Choose yourself – this is a concept I’ve been struggling with recently and I find particularly relevant as I getting older.
I have started to notice how exhausted and emotionally drained I am when I constantly put others first and worry about myself later, I have a habit of suppressing my feelings for the sake of other people. I think this stems from a feeling of constant worry that everyone around me is alright – let’s bare in mind that no one has asked me to do this and this is not the plight of a martyr.
I’m a big believer in being considerate of others but I seem to have turned it into an Olympic sport – I’m a 5 time gold medalist, but instead of a gold medal I get crippling anxiety, unreasonable fear and rapidly ending patience. It has put a huge strain on some of my most valuable relationships because I haven’t been honest with them and I have allowed them to use me as an emotional punchbag.
My instinct is to prevent them from being upset for any reason and buy any means possible but this instinct can be wrong, for us both. In putting up this strong, reliable, un-offended front it can allow them to be selfish, inconsiderate and walk all over my feelings as self esteem.
The thing is, I cant even really blame anyone else because I’m not stepping in. Im not speaking up for me or defending myself in any way at all, and if I don’t who will?
I have recently been faced with a situation that I feel is a test from the universe. I have to prove that I have have learnt these lessons about myself and now I need to put my money where my mouth is. It is not going to be easy and I will definitely not handle it perfectly but if I choose to take the ‘easy’ way and not put myself first then I will be actively participating in the painful outcome.
I am choosing myself this time, I am choosing my own mental health and wellbeing over that of another. This is a big step for me and hopefully its a step in the right direction.
I’m sorry if this post is a bit of a rambling mess but my wellness thoughts this week are to choose yourself, you’re worth it.